Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
A new level of troll.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
The Joker was right
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this