@Jenny4ashley “..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
@NoTheOtherJohn Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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@Jenny4ashley 
@KevinFarzad “There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
@ItalianGirl706 When you’re Kinky but poor
@bryanmcc74 You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
@welfarehoe “YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
@CMHorrocks Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
@coketruck76 *Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
@mrsjohngoodman Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
@LindaInDisguise Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
@blade_funner Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.