@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

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@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

@KevinFarzad

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

@bryanmcc74

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

@welfarehoe

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@coketruck76

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

@mrsjohngoodman

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@blade_funner

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.