@HomeProbably I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
@NoTheOtherJohn Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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@HomeProbably 
@david8hughes If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
@TheAlexNevil Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
@SatiricalMommy Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
@RdrJay47 Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
@bigpoppadrunk Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
@UnFitz Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
@Reverend_Scott 911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
@NotTodayEric Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”