“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When you’re Kinky but poor
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.