ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong