me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?