@TheHyyyype

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

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@HenpeckedHal

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

@AimeeHelene1

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

@RickAaron

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

@sfreeze6

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

@OllyiConic

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

@Bob_Janke

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

@TheWoodenslurpy

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

@awkwardenabled

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?