me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
#CatsOnTwitter
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.