Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant