ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
just pretend nothing happened
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no