Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.