Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I like long walks away from everyone
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.