Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.