me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.


Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables


Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!


I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.


I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.


6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”


windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol


As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.


If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?