Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib