@wildrainbow2

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

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@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@Marlebean

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

@Marlebean

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

@stephenjmolloy

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*