Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.