When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*