Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My favorite female superhero
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
🤣🤣🤣
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us