ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
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How dude HOW?!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams