@dave_cactus

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

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@9to5Life

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

@Lhlodder

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

@ThisOneSayz

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

@nutsaremixed

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

@Gorrdano

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

@mraggab_

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”