ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.


I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.


He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!


People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs


Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.


You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.


My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.


Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”