BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The days of good grammer has went
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today