Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? đ
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they donât have to work and pay taxes.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldnât find it, and she said âmy mouthâ and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I canât find my Funyuns.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what âthe carpet matches the drapesâ means.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIENDâ Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My 8yo just said sheâs âlactose intelligent,â so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
honestly, i need both:
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husbandâs mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
âOoooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa thatâs a big knife.â
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
everyone says âwriters donât matterâ until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Them: how old are you
Me: well letâs see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.