Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
im all 3
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me checking my bank balance online.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Whoa 😂