me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic