Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.