me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
technically true but not a great slogan
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”