Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*