Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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Breaking news:
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*