@eleniZarro

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

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@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@wilw

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

@IfIwassomething

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

@elliothetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

@braidednosehair

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

@DaddyJew

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.