@eleniZarro

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

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@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@thejamietighe

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.