me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
when you are just born a rebel
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me