me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”


Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.


The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.


– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.