Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Brilliant!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Natty or not?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
How I’d get arrested…
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.