me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.