ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
no one likes gloating
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.