Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
japanese corn
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.