@cookie_mumbles

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

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@3sunzzz

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@tobestewart

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news