Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
You Might Also Like
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I want this so bad
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?