Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.