me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Any refunds available?…
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I did not eat the cake…
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”