[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
rich people when they have to pay taxes
kids play hide and seek like
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?