Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page