Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.