Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’d use my best pan on you.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’