Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.