Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
The Joker was right
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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