Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?