Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Autocarrot sucks!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no