Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
kids play hide and seek like
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.