me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.