Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners