me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Go girl power!
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
no one ever comes back
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
💁🏻♂️
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.