me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
This woman is my idol. Free her.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
dutch is not a serious language
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
These are my roll models.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!