ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
You Might Also Like
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.