Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
what’s the point then??
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more