Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Meeeee too!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant