Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.