Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
You Might Also Like
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Great acting.. 😂
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Dammit Chief not again
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*feels the wind in my toe hair
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*