ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
how much for the angry fruit?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*