Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you