Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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can’t believe I got front row seats
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time