me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Doug is just Canadian for dog
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.